Nope, not telling

I was singing "I kissed a girl" by Katy Perry all day at work. It's super catchy. I kind of love it. After the 4th time I sang it, PBFW says "have you ever kissed a girl?"
I said that it wasn't appropriate work time talk. Cause it wasn't. She told me to tell her later in the parking lot and she would keep it on the DL.

Sure. But not really

Fridays here....

PBFW is telling us she may not be fertile when she gets married. What the hell does that even mean? I don't know. This is amazing. She's just talking and making no sense. PBFW says that she's skinny and has no boyfriend and doesn't know how that can be. She's hoping the infant will grow up. PBFW told him that she was seeing someone else to make him jealous. My god. It is time to throw her in the river.


PBFW: match.com is for weirdos

This is everyday of my life. EVERYDAY.

Ollie story

Ollie last night was crying at his baby and chewing on its head. He's been doing that a lot and I'm not exactly sure why. And then I think he was humping it, but I really can’t be sure. He was making love in the basement. To a stuffed animal

Jamie-isms

Jamie was home for the long weekend. He's the stuff he came up with:
- After my mom asked if he wanted some 3 bean salad - "I DON'T WANT ANY BEANS IN MY FUCKING LIFE"
- after she asked if he wanted something else - "why do you always make shit for dinner?"
- after I took a 2X4 away from him: "you fucking jerkass"

We know he shouldn't be swearing like this, but whenever he does, we all just laugh. We're encouraging him, we know

awkwardddddddd

PBFW: who makes love in the club? Who has sex in a bathroom?
Me: skanks
PBFW: You don't have love in the club, you have sex in the club.

Poor girl

PBFW and her boyfriend (he's 19, we call him The Infant) apparently have broken up and it's for serious this time. They break up and get back together just about every week, but none of us arond here like him. We don't know him, but we know he's controlling and an asshole. And somehow still in high school. PBFW is very sad today and I feel bad for her because having your heart broken, even by someone that doesn't deserve to have your heart in the first place, is very sad. I was very sad last time my heart was broken, but I fixed it. Regardless of the heart breakin', she's got a great outfit:
-bright pink peasant top
-the jean skirt that's slit up to her hoo-hoo
-black leggings with lace at the bottom
-cork heeled wedges with pink straps.

For realsies

Tomorrow!

I am going to lunch with LP, LB and Pattycake. I don't even know if I can stand the excitement. I can only imagine what sort of drugs I am going to have to take to deal with that. Also, I need to remind myself not to poison Pattycake. I think that would be bad...right?

Craig...again

Craig just called me his vanilla wafer. That's so me, vanilla and wafer like.

Duh

Today PBFW told me her eyes were all fucked up because she was tired...because she had mayo on her sandwich.

I don't have the energy or the brain power to make this stuff up.

Also, Ollie was left inside today and he dragged his stuffed animal all over the house. It was in the basement last night and when my mom got home today, it was upstairs in the kitchen. He's got issues or something

Odd coworkers again

Pattycake said that she regularly threatens to kill her husband dead. Kill. Him. Dead.

Then Craig came up to Kim and I as we were at the printer (for like the 4th time today), Craig walked over and said that he would like to be the meat in between our half wheat/half white sandwich.

PBFW from yesterday

She wanted to know if she had a "period stain" on her black pants (which you wouldn't be able to see anyway) so she pretty much stuck her butt in my face. Upon showing/telling LB about this magical moment in my life, she goes "EW, NO ONE WANTS TO SEE HER TAINT!" and I pretty much died laughing. I couldn't breathe. That was hard for me.

Her outfit today: not as great as I would hope.
- brown and white polka dot top
- tan capris
- weirdo tan steve madden stripper-esque shoes
- tan cable knit sweater with faux fur around the collar

Old story

One day, a while ago, Pattycake was asking me questions about Jamie. That's fine, I really don't mind answering them, as Jamie's diagnosis (PDD/NOS) is kind of a weird one and he's not like a lot of autistic kids. The next day, as I'm saying goodbye to Pattycake (as I HAVE to do every day, otherwise she freaks out) she tells me that she was watching "Rainman" the night before. The first thing I think is that she is going to ask me what Jamie's magical power was. And I could tell that she was struggling with a way to tie the two things together. I might have saved her when I told her that Jamie didn't have to have his underwear come from a certian store. That was the end of that conversation.

A few weeks later, there was a story on Good Morning America about some autistic kid that could replicate paintings even after seeing them once for like, 30 seconds. My mom and I are both in the kitchen watching this and my mom looks at me and says, "Boy, we really got the short end of the stick with Jamie. He can't do anything!" Then we both laughed and laughed and laughed. We are apparently bad people. Jamie can do things, but none of them are so amazing. He knows when everyone's garbage comes. And he likes to follow rules. He also has a sense of humor, which when you think about it, is a pretty complex thing. He swears in perfect context (fucking shennigans) and he's just generally amusing.

Tee hee

PBFW was angry before. Really really angry. She said to LB "I AM SO FUMIGATED!"

She meant furious.

Today's PBFW outfit

Not as crazy as yesterday....

- white sweater that goes down to the middle of her thighs (like a sweater dress, almost) with silver sparkly thread it in

- black tank underneath

- grey pinstripe pants

- black heels

Today, I'm wearing a pink v-neck tank, black pinstripe pants and these shoes:

Everyone thinks I'm up to something. I'm really not. So the moral of this story is, whenever I dress nicely at work, something is going on. I can really throw them off, can't I? And when I wear a skirt to work? Forget it. I'm clearly plotting to take over the universe when I'm wearing that shit. Maybe it's the shoes?

And another thing

Today PBFW is wearing:
Purple pants
Mud colored tank (really, it's the color of mud)
Pink v-neck shirt
Tan cable knit sweater
The infamous tan cowboy boots


Too many colors. All. At. Once.

PBFW!

PBFW just tried to say " eau de toilet" and it came out as "ew dah toy-let"

We overshare a lot in my house

Will is apparently having a problem with his underpants. We had a lot of underpants issues at my house. Will is having "underpants blowouts", whatever that might mean. Jamie has no more underpants and refuses to wear a blue pair of boxer briefs that he calls "the robin's egg".



I can't even type that without cracking up. That is just so weird. Will is a big oversharer.

AND!

Now Will is yelling about his poopin' problem. Why does everyone in this fucking house have an issue?

So weird

Jamie again

This morning, Jamie threw himself into my parents bed and told them that he was having a poopin' problem (his words) and that he needed to drink some prune juice. He really likes prune juice. So he drank like...15 oz of prune juice this morning. He has since returned to his house and he's complaining that his stomach hurts him. I wonder why?

oh, you

Jamie was home this weekend. My mom just left to bring Jamie back to his house. She was trying to put his meds in his bag so that they wouldn't be lost and Jamie didn't want her too. He starts yelling at her "I KNOW YOUR FUCKING SHENNIGANS!"

Then my dad said that to the dog.

The inmates run this place

Things that happened all at once:

LB was imitating her cat while I said "HOLLYWOOD GET A GRIP ON YOUR LIFE" (Hollywood is the cat, by the way)

LP accused the Canadian geese outside in the river of being bad parents

THEN

LP started smacking her computer screen with a ruler and talking about how much she hated cats

and THEN

LB danced out the door

All within like...3 1/2 minutes. What the fuck? Where do I work?

PBFW's outfit today!

- purple pants

- tan tank top

- brown and pink argyle sweater

- tan cowboy boots with green tooling

- green and brown plaid Newsies-esque hat

Note: The above picture is NOT PBFW

The cat

We have a cat. His name is Oliver and he's a fatty. But adorable.

Regardless...he was out late last night, prowling around, doing cat stuff. When he finally came home, he had a dead baby mouse. I was telling my mom that he was out late cause he was killing things and she goes "well, did you praise him for bringing back the dead mouse?" and I told her that I did not. Apparently, I'm supposed to praise the cat...for being a cat. I don't get it either.

My brother also RAN OVER the dog on Monday night. She's fine, we took her to the vet, but seriously. He ran over the dog. Good thing she's cool.

Co-workers

I work with this girl Rachel and she's just fantastic. We call her "punky brewster floozy whore" or PBFW.

This is today's conversation:
Rachel is telling us about how when she was young, she would like, steal cars from her grandma nad her mom. My reply: “so you didn’t play grand theft auto the video game, you played grand theft auto in real life?”

That's right...and she is so amazing. She wears the most fantastic outfits humanly possible

And then at work

My boss (known from this moment on as "Pattycake") is at some co-op in Westchester right now. She called me literally 19 times in a row. Everytime I would answer the phone and everytime, no one would be at the other end. When I finally did talk to her, she sounded a little...drunk. Apparently my 50 year old boss was doing shots of Patron last night. I can tell today is going to be a great fucking day.

I live at the zoo and I work at the zoo.