My life at the Zoo

Whee!

2008-09-29T16:18:00.000-07:00

PBFW has been on a roll this past week with all sorts of brillance.

From Friday...
- She told us her left neck hurts. We're still trying to figure that one out
- She didn't know what equine meant (or how to spell it) so Nancy and I told her. When she asked how we knew that word, Nancy told her it was because she and I read. PBFW went to say that she also read, but Nancy told her that she didn't know that Clinton wasn't still in the presidential race, so she couldn't talk
- She informed us we were not in church

From today...
- She asked who Paul Newman was. And who Sarah Palin is.
- She wanted to know what Netflix are
- She didn't know what apocolypse meant
- She said after hours of being in our insanely hot office "man, it's hot in here".

There's never a dull moment. And it's nice to know while the economic shit hits the fan, PBFW still has no clue

Things that make my brain hurt, volume 4368739874343

2008-08-26T12:58:00.000-07:00

- The guy outside the gym chain smoking. Why?

- The need for 10 strips of bacon to be on every fast food sandwich. Don't get me wrong, I dig bacon. There has to come a time where enough is enough with bacon though.

- This woman from accouting at one of the companies I deal with. She's just so stupid. We only charged the mailer $8 per thousand for something but they have a select cap of $10 per thousand and she wants to know why we didn't charge her $10 per thousand. That would be like if you were out shopping and you had a budget of $250 and the things you wanted cost $235. It would be arguing that you should give someone $250 because that's what you had to give them. No. No no. You lose

Ha

2008-08-20T09:26:00.000-07:00

So Jamie dropped his phone in the toliet and now it doesn't work. He does not find that funny. Everyone else in my family does.

Last night, I came home from the gym, saw the fatty tubby baby Oliver and put him outside in the garage. That is where he sleeps at night. I still had my shoes on and it was almost 10 PM and I figured my mom would ask me to do it anyway. I come back in the house, go downstairs to check my email and then...this exchange happens. Will is upstairs in the kitchen and my dad is in the living room. My mom was upstairs and then came downstairs

**walks into kitchen**
Mom: Where's Oliver?
Will: Sarah put him away
**walks into living room**
Mom: Where's Oliver?
Dad: Sarah put him away in the garage
**goes over to the side door and calls for Oliver then walks back into the living room**
Mom: Where is Oliver?
**calls down the stairs**
Mom: Sarah, did you put Oliver away in the garage?
Me: Nope, I threw him outside and hoped for the best
Mom: I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY NO ONE CAN BE SERIOUS IN THIS HOUSE AND GIVE ME A STRAIGHT ANSWER TO A SERIOUS QUESTION BLAH BLAH BLAH YELLING NOISES

Even though everyone told her, she decided not to listen. Fabulous.

It's been a while

2008-07-25T08:59:00.000-07:00

Me: there was something on the radio this morning about soy lowering sperm counts
PBFW: I don’t have sperm

You have got to be kidding me

2008-07-11T06:42:00.000-07:00

So my friend Dana at work emailed a lady about adopting a cat. This is the email conversation. I can't even take this. Who are these people and WHERE do they come from? The point is that Ollie goes outside and has a ball. It's not like Dana lives in the big city. She just wanted a pet. Guess not....

From: Mrs. Meow M [mailto:meowmixrescuegroup@yahoo.com]
Sent: Thursday, July 10, 2008 3:41 PM
To: Dana
Subject: kitten

Hi,
Thanks for responding. I have to say your email kind of shocked me. Just because we rescue a kitten from outside does not mean you let it go outside. You never ever ever let a cat outside. I think its extremely selfish and cruel. There is nothing outside that a cat needs. Not to mention it can get fleas, tickes, ear mites, worms and all those shots the cat gets is pointless.
Unless a cat is feral which cant come inside.
This kitten can never go outside. She is to young for her shots or spay.

What happen to all the cats you said you have had that were in door outdoor?

Again we appreciate your email and look forward to your responce! =)

From: Dana
To: Mrs. Meow M
Sent: Thursday, July 10, 2008 2:58:12 PM
Subject: RE: kitten
WOW. The cats that I had that were indoor/outdoor were fine. I have always lived in houses with big yards so all of our animals would come and go as they pleased, dogs, cats, we even let our horses out of their field every once in awhile to roam the yard. The cats slept inside, ate inside, they just like to go outside every once in awhile and play in the grass and chase the bugs and I don’t see any harm in that. They are an animal, animals like the outdoors. The one cat that I tried to keep as indoor cat hated it, and started peeing on everything. It wasn’t until I moved in with my father and he literally could not keep her in (he had a cat flap door for his other cat) that I realized she was peeing all over because she wanted to go outside. She has never done it again, and she couldn’t be happier.

Your email shocks me saying that it is cruel to let a cat outside and that there is nothing outside for a cat. That boggles my mind. I am not saying there is anything wrong with having a strictly indoor cat, but saying that having an indoor/outdoor one is cruel is just odd to me. Most cat owners I know have cats that go in and out as they please. Cats are independent creatures and keeping them locked in a house all day, everyday if they don’t want to be, is cruel.

Anyways, I understand that she is young, that is why I was asking how young.

I look forward to hearing back from you.

Thanks,
Dana

From: Mrs. Meow M [mailto:meowmixrescuegroup@yahoo.com]
Sent: Thursday, July 10, 2008 4:18 PM
To: Dana
Subject: Re: kitten

Dana,
As i understand your feelings i have been doing cat rescue for over 15 years now. 60% of the rescues i get calls on are " lost cats" or cats getting hit by cars" Cats are NOT meant to go outside. They are not locked in a house they are LIVING in a house. Cats are not like humans where if a human lives in a house never going outside yes that is cruel . You are confusing the two. Subjecting a cat who has absolutly no clue about cars or if a dog comes and attacks or if someone throws things at them chases them, is so selfish anc cruel to me. lets say a cat see's a squirl running, do you think the cat will wait for a green light to chase it across or it will just run? Yes cats are smart but no not when it comes to the dangers of outside. Im sorry but i 100% disagree and yes its exremly selfish to let a cat outside. So what if you had afence cats can climb a fence in 3 seconds. Your cat did not pee as a "sign to go outside. I cant believe youd think that. Perhaps it had a urinary infection. THATS why cats pee outside the litter box, perhaps it didnt like the litter. but no not because it wanted to go outside? You are subjecting it to so much danger. They are not human and do not know the dangers outside.
Where are those cats now that you say you had? Where they all spayed and neueterd?

Thanks

From: Dana
Sent: Thursday, July 10, 2008 4:41 PM
To: Mrs. Meow M
Subject: RE: kitten

Of course they were all spayed and neutered. What do you think I am? Look, I am just a young lady looking for a pet, and we obviously agree to disagree on this here. I am not confusing a cat with a human. I have my college degree I am not some idiot off the street, thank you. And I guess your right; my cat had a UTI and didn’t like any of the cat litters I tried for a year. OOOPS.

I understand you guys in are new haven, I have lived in the country my whole life and maybe we have different ways of treating our pets because you are honestly the only person I have ever spoken with that is 100% against allowing cats outdoors. And actually try to tell people who do so that they are “selfish” and “cruel”. I have to be the farthest from those two words.

Out of the many cats I have had my entire life I had one that has been hit by a car. And trust me, I have had many. I grew up with animals all over; rabbits, dogs, chickens, horses….. I am not an ignoramus that all of a sudden thought it would be fun to adopt a stray kitten….. More like a caring adult who wanted to, out of the goodness of her heart adopt this young kitten. I have been looking around for awhile and thought that I would rather adopt one that needed a companion, needed a little extra attention.

Well thank you for your time.

From: Mrs. Meow M [mailto:meowmixrescuegroup@yahoo.com]
Sent: Thursday, July 10, 2008 7:05 PM
To: Dana
Subject: Re: kitten

that one cat you had that got hit by a car was because of your neglagince, remmber that. By you saying "only one", is so offensive . So i guess his life meant nothing,

Hope that taught you a lesson- guess not.

I do not think you should own any cats- sorry.

From: Dana
To: Mrs. Meow M
Sent: Friday, July 11, 2008 8:10:32 AM
Subject: RE: kitten

I think you are crazy. And I discussed this conversation with a few people and they all thought the same thing. Its life. Get used to it.

You put an awful lot of judgement on someone you don’t know. And I would not take an animal from you ever. I think you are the one that is getting the whole animal/human concept confused.

Peace out.

From: Mrs. Meow M [mailto:meowmixrescuegroup@yahoo.com]
Sent: Friday, July 11, 2008 9:39 AM
To: Dana
Subject: Re: kitten

I think you and whom ever you spoke to are the same peolpe who have killed their cats by selfish and lack of knowledgment. Remember you killed your cat by letting it out side , not us, so whose crazy? Imagine how your cat felt getting smashed in the face by a 1000 pound car, all because you thought it HAD to go outside. Sure cats obey traffic signs to right? They must go outside right? Or else they are not happy? Or because your stupid? Remember how your cat suffered because of YOU not us ALL YOU. Laying there dead in the street thinking why wasnt my mommy there to protect me? Nope she was inside on her cell phone thinking me a cat has a clue about crossing the street. But i guess my life wasnt worth it to her since hey " im just one cat".

You are the exact type of person shelters and rescue people hate and stay away from. You are the reason so many cats are lost or get killed by cars.

I suggest you do not own any cats in the future. I do not think you are educated enough to handle what it takes to be a responsible pet owner.

From: Dana
To: Mrs. Meow M
Sent: Friday, July 11, 2008 8:10:32 AM
Subject: RE: kitten
You have no effin clue what you are talking about. Your just the crazy cat lady obviously.

And now I’m stupid….. Nice lady you are.

From: Mrs. Meow M [mailto:meowmixrescuegroup@yahoo.com]
Sent: Friday, July 11, 2008 9:46 AM
To: Dana
Subject: Re: kitten

truth hurts-- i know

good lord

2008-07-09T11:37:00.000-07:00

PBFW: I had 2 pina coladas yesterday before dinner. I was saucy before 7.
Nancy: Saucy? I've never heard you say that
PBFW: Yeah, I just started now

The last thing we need at our house

2008-07-07T13:26:00.001-07:00

So on the 4th of July, we had fireworks. That's so appropriate. Will set them out in the backyard and the first one he lit off went well. Then the second one was lit. The first 2 parts were fine. Then the morter thing fell over. 3 of the explosions rocketed off into the pine trees, which are filled with pine needles. Then 2 headed over to my neighbors house and if it wasn't for some more pine trees over there, they would have been in his garage.

After Will wiped the poo out of his pants, he said that he wouldn't be doing that again. Good call, dude.

Overshare

2008-06-26T11:21:00.001-07:00

PBFW: my friend, you know, the one that doesn’t work…

Me: doesn’t she get bored?

PBFW: no bro, she just had an abortion last week

Oh PBFW

2008-06-21T12:59:00.000-07:00

PBFW said something yesterday and Nancy said, "well, PBFW, you're a regular Florence Nightingale" and PBFW said "who is that?"

We explained it to her and then somehow, Clara Barton got dragged into the mix. She had no idea who she was either.

At that point, we (Nancy and I) decided that everyday, we should educate PBFW on someone new. Monday's person? Gregor Mendel. Of course, it took 4 of us to remember what his name was. I just remember doing the dominate/recessive gene thing in biology class in 9th grade.

Oh Dear

2008-06-19T07:46:00.001-07:00

PBFW: Is Matt spelled with two TTs?
Me:....yes

Wisdom from Will

2008-06-10T18:28:00.000-07:00

Mom - "did you check out that mass comm site that I sent you?"
Me - "no, not yet"
Will - "Why are you only looking in Massachusetts?"

Me - "Can you name all The Beatles?"
Will - "John, Paul and George"
Me - "There's 4"
Will - "And....Bill."

Haha

2008-06-10T11:44:00.000-07:00

So the building we work in is so shitty. The AC doesn't work (and hasn't for as long as I've been here), there are ants everywhere on everyone's desks and the bathroom has exploded pretty much every day since last week. Anne (that I work with and adore) looks at me today and says "Wow, this place really is a shithole."

Pretty much.

And since the AC is broken and it's actually about 82 degrees in here, she told us that she was "moist all over" and none of us could take that. It's too hot and we're cooking our brains

My wonderous brother

2008-06-09T10:06:00.000-07:00

It was a bonding moment.

2008-06-03T07:20:00.001-07:00

Also, at bocce, people were throwing the bocce balls and I wasn't really paying attention. My aunt Missy (she's 35 and mostly awesome) was like "hey, watch out! You need to always be aware of the balls around you" and we both lost our shit we were laughing so hard.

We're inappropriate.

Nope, not telling

2008-05-30T21:21:00.000-07:00

I was singing "I kissed a girl" by Katy Perry all day at work. It's super catchy. I kind of love it. After the 4th time I sang it, PBFW says "have you ever kissed a girl?"
I said that it wasn't appropriate work time talk. Cause it wasn't. She told me to tell her later in the parking lot and she would keep it on the DL.

Sure. But not really

Fridays here....

2008-05-30T13:15:00.000-07:00

PBFW is telling us she may not be fertile when she gets married. What the hell does that even mean? I don't know. This is amazing. She's just talking and making no sense. PBFW says that she's skinny and has no boyfriend and doesn't know how that can be. She's hoping the infant will grow up. PBFW told him that she was seeing someone else to make him jealous. My god. It is time to throw her in the river.

PBFW: match.com is for weirdos

This is everyday of my life. EVERYDAY.

Ollie story

2008-05-29T07:19:00.000-07:00

Ollie last night was crying at his baby and chewing on its head. He's been doing that a lot and I'm not exactly sure why. And then I think he was humping it, but I really can’t be sure. He was making love in the basement. To a stuffed animal

Jamie-isms

2008-05-27T19:31:00.000-07:00

Jamie was home for the long weekend. He's the stuff he came up with:
- After my mom asked if he wanted some 3 bean salad - "I DON'T WANT ANY BEANS IN MY FUCKING LIFE"
- after she asked if he wanted something else - "why do you always make shit for dinner?"
- after I took a 2X4 away from him: "you fucking jerkass"

We know he shouldn't be swearing like this, but whenever he does, we all just laugh. We're encouraging him, we know

awkwardddddddd

2008-05-23T09:15:00.000-07:00

PBFW: who makes love in the club? Who has sex in a bathroom?
Me: skanks
PBFW: You don't have love in the club, you have sex in the club.

Poor girl

2008-05-22T08:17:00.000-07:00

PBFW and her boyfriend (he's 19, we call him The Infant) apparently have broken up and it's for serious this time. They break up and get back together just about every week, but none of us arond here like him. We don't know him, but we know he's controlling and an asshole. And somehow still in high school. PBFW is very sad today and I feel bad for her because having your heart broken, even by someone that doesn't deserve to have your heart in the first place, is very sad. I was very sad last time my heart was broken, but I fixed it. Regardless of the heart breakin', she's got a great outfit:
-bright pink peasant top
-the jean skirt that's slit up to her hoo-hoo
-black leggings with lace at the bottom
-cork heeled wedges with pink straps.

For realsies

Tomorrow!

2008-05-20T12:58:00.001-07:00

I am going to lunch with LP, LB and Pattycake. I don't even know if I can stand the excitement. I can only imagine what sort of drugs I am going to have to take to deal with that. Also, I need to remind myself not to poison Pattycake. I think that would be bad...right?

Craig...again

2008-05-20T08:56:00.000-07:00

Craig just called me his vanilla wafer. That's so me, vanilla and wafer like.

Duh

2008-05-19T13:27:00.000-07:00

Today PBFW told me her eyes were all fucked up because she was tired...because she had mayo on her sandwich.

I don't have the energy or the brain power to make this stuff up.

Also, Ollie was left inside today and he dragged his stuffed animal all over the house. It was in the basement last night and when my mom got home today, it was upstairs in the kitchen. He's got issues or something

Odd coworkers again

2008-05-16T12:57:00.000-07:00

Pattycake said that she regularly threatens to kill her husband dead. Kill. Him. Dead.

Then Craig came up to Kim and I as we were at the printer (for like the 4th time today), Craig walked over and said that he would like to be the meat in between our half wheat/half white sandwich.

PBFW from yesterday

2008-05-15T07:15:00.000-07:00

She wanted to know if she had a "period stain" on her black pants (which you wouldn't be able to see anyway) so she pretty much stuck her butt in my face. Upon showing/telling LB about this magical moment in my life, she goes "EW, NO ONE WANTS TO SEE HER TAINT!" and I pretty much died laughing. I couldn't breathe. That was hard for me.

Her outfit today: not as great as I would hope.
- brown and white polka dot top
- tan capris
- weirdo tan steve madden stripper-esque shoes
- tan cable knit sweater with faux fur around the collar

Old story

2008-05-15T06:48:00.000-07:00

One day, a while ago, Pattycake was asking me questions about Jamie. That's fine, I really don't mind answering them, as Jamie's diagnosis (PDD/NOS) is kind of a weird one and he's not like a lot of autistic kids. The next day, as I'm saying goodbye to Pattycake (as I HAVE to do every day, otherwise she freaks out) she tells me that she was watching "Rainman" the night before. The first thing I think is that she is going to ask me what Jamie's magical power was. And I could tell that she was struggling with a way to tie the two things together. I might have saved her when I told her that Jamie didn't have to have his underwear come from a certian store. That was the end of that conversation.

A few weeks later, there was a story on Good Morning America about some autistic kid that could replicate paintings even after seeing them once for like, 30 seconds. My mom and I are both in the kitchen watching this and my mom looks at me and says, "Boy, we really got the short end of the stick with Jamie. He can't do anything!" Then we both laughed and laughed and laughed. We are apparently bad people. Jamie can do things, but none of them are so amazing. He knows when everyone's garbage comes. And he likes to follow rules. He also has a sense of humor, which when you think about it, is a pretty complex thing. He swears in perfect context (fucking shennigans) and he's just generally amusing.

Tee hee

2008-05-13T11:34:00.000-07:00

PBFW was angry before. Really really angry. She said to LB "I AM SO FUMIGATED!"

She meant furious.

Today's PBFW outfit

2008-05-13T07:42:00.001-07:00

Not as crazy as yesterday....

- white sweater that goes down to the middle of her thighs (like a sweater dress, almost) with silver sparkly thread it in

- black tank underneath

- grey pinstripe pants

- black heels

Today, I'm wearing a pink v-neck tank, black pinstripe pants and these shoes:

Everyone thinks I'm up to something. I'm really not. So the moral of this story is, whenever I dress nicely at work, something is going on. I can really throw them off, can't I? And when I wear a skirt to work? Forget it. I'm clearly plotting to take over the universe when I'm wearing that shit. Maybe it's the shoes?

And another thing

2008-05-12T12:06:00.000-07:00

Today PBFW is wearing:
Purple pants
Mud colored tank (really, it's the color of mud)
Pink v-neck shirt
Tan cable knit sweater
The infamous tan cowboy boots

Too many colors. All. At. Once.

PBFW!

2008-05-12T11:11:00.001-07:00

PBFW just tried to say " eau de toilet" and it came out as "ew dah toy-let"

We overshare a lot in my house

2008-05-12T09:05:00.000-07:00

Will is apparently having a problem with his underpants. We had a lot of underpants issues at my house. Will is having "underpants blowouts", whatever that might mean. Jamie has no more underpants and refuses to wear a blue pair of boxer briefs that he calls "the robin's egg".

I can't even type that without cracking up. That is just so weird. Will is a big oversharer.

AND!

2008-05-11T17:21:00.001-07:00

Now Will is yelling about his poopin' problem. Why does everyone in this fucking house have an issue?

So weird

Jamie again

2008-05-11T17:17:00.000-07:00

This morning, Jamie threw himself into my parents bed and told them that he was having a poopin' problem (his words) and that he needed to drink some prune juice. He really likes prune juice. So he drank like...15 oz of prune juice this morning. He has since returned to his house and he's complaining that his stomach hurts him. I wonder why?

oh, you

2008-05-11T13:02:00.001-07:00

Jamie was home this weekend. My mom just left to bring Jamie back to his house. She was trying to put his meds in his bag so that they wouldn't be lost and Jamie didn't want her too. He starts yelling at her "I KNOW YOUR FUCKING SHENNIGANS!"

Then my dad said that to the dog.

The inmates run this place

2008-05-08T13:55:00.000-07:00

Things that happened all at once:

LB was imitating her cat while I said "HOLLYWOOD GET A GRIP ON YOUR LIFE" (Hollywood is the cat, by the way)

LP accused the Canadian geese outside in the river of being bad parents

THEN

LP started smacking her computer screen with a ruler and talking about how much she hated cats

and THEN

LB danced out the door

All within like...3 1/2 minutes. What the fuck? Where do I work?

PBFW's outfit today!

- purple pants

- tan tank top

- brown and pink argyle sweater

- tan cowboy boots with green tooling

- green and brown plaid Newsies-esque hat

Note: The above picture is NOT PBFW

The cat

2008-05-07T07:42:00.000-07:00

We have a cat. His name is Oliver and he's a fatty. But adorable.

Regardless...he was out late last night, prowling around, doing cat stuff. When he finally came home, he had a dead baby mouse. I was telling my mom that he was out late cause he was killing things and she goes "well, did you praise him for bringing back the dead mouse?" and I told her that I did not. Apparently, I'm supposed to praise the cat...for being a cat. I don't get it either.

My brother also RAN OVER the dog on Monday night. She's fine, we took her to the vet, but seriously. He ran over the dog. Good thing she's cool.

Co-workers

2008-05-06T07:34:00.000-07:00

I work with this girl Rachel and she's just fantastic. We call her "punky brewster floozy whore" or PBFW.

This is today's conversation:
Rachel is telling us about how when she was young, she would like, steal cars from her grandma nad her mom. My reply: “so you didn’t play grand theft auto the video game, you played grand theft auto in real life?”

That's right...and she is so amazing. She wears the most fantastic outfits humanly possible

And then at work

2008-05-01T08:38:00.000-07:00

My boss (known from this moment on as "Pattycake") is at some co-op in Westchester right now. She called me literally 19 times in a row. Everytime I would answer the phone and everytime, no one would be at the other end. When I finally did talk to her, she sounded a little...drunk. Apparently my 50 year old boss was doing shots of Patron last night. I can tell today is going to be a great fucking day.

I live at the zoo and I work at the zoo.

Whoo

2008-04-29T08:56:00.001-07:00

Today Will got into a car accident (he's okay though) and that meant screaming match at my house started at 7:15. In the AM. Wonderous. I was just waking up, but then I was really awake.

Just another day at my house

Backstory

2008-04-26T21:37:00.000-07:00

I started this blog because my life at home is pretty much insane. My brother Jamie has autism. He's hysterically funny and makes everyone a little crazy. I've often said that I live at the zoo because things go down here that probably don't happen at any other house in the entire universe but mine. Jamie now lives at a group home and isn't home as much, but the crazy is still there. I figured this would be the best way to explain exactly what happens around my house.

None of it is going to make much sense, but I tell you now, everything is real around here.

Just a few fun ones

2008-04-26T16:15:00.000-07:00

Will is in the bathroom. Jamie says the following things to him:
"Are you poopin' in there?"
"Is it a big one?"
"Do you need the plunger?"

Everytime, Will starts screaming at Jamie to go away.

My mom said something about going to get ice cream tonight. I said that she shouldn't say that unless it's true. Jamie said "are you done being an ice cream teaser?"

My thoughts exactly Jamie